"Chivalry died with feminism"
I overheard this from an underclassman at the robotics team that I mentor at the local high school. Now I consider myself a feminist and I agree that the special treatment that comes from treating women as the fragile, fairer sex is sexism, so why did this bother me so much?
I think it's the implied notion that the demand for rights and the desire to be treated with respect should be mutually exclusive. That demanding to be respected should be an excuse that someone can use to be rude--not cool. You're just rude - no excuses. Being courteous and nice to people - male or female - should just be something you do - because you are nice. And it should have nothing to do with feminism.
And of course, the fact that this notion has enough of a place in our culture that our kids are in on it...
2 comments:
True. I don't have context, so I don't know what the statement was originally meant to convey. For all I know, it was used as an excuse for acting insensitively.
Taken on its own, though, it raises an interesting point. We have traditionally treated the two genders as separate types, and developed different customs for interaction with each. With the advent of feminism, we now find ourselves questioning those codes of conduct, and calling them out for the unequal rights, responsibilities and privileges that they precipitate. The committed housewife doesn't earn a wage, and is therefore rendered a financial dependent, with far less options should the family dissolve.
Feminism seeks to combat the traditional gender dichotomy's tendency to produce Nora Helmers. Its primary method is by lobbying for the rights that are traditionally granted to the male gender but not for the female. This is fine to me. If our blinders are being taken off and we are called out for the subtle ways in which we limit others, then that's great.
Alongside this approach, however, is a second movement that seeks to erode the gender distinctions altogether, holding them directly responsible for the inequalities we observe. Here's where I must object: the problem, to me, has always been in how individual people abuse the power of their role, not in the nature of the roles themselves.
The man who opens a door for a lady is not necessarily assuming that she should not open it herself; often, he is merely living up to his belief that the other gender deserves better treatment.
Now let us return to the original statement with an example...a boy sees that the girl he is with is cold, and offers her his jacket. She refuses, and a hilarity ensues as he chases her to try and cover her while she continues to refuse (even though she really is cold!). What causes such bizarreness?
Two interpretations: first, he is enslaving her by making her receive something of his; second, that he feels obligated by his honor to serve and care for the person he is with. The girl takes the first interpretation, the boy, the second. Comical absurdity ensues.
The blunt reality is that feminism is now making it harder to understand what is proper and what is disempowering. We do not want routine chivalry to force us back into the horrible power imbalances of past generations, nor do we want chivalry to disappear altogether.
And therein lies the problem: the lines are blurry. What one sincerely holds as an act of love and respect, another may interpret as a patronizing act of chauvinism.
I think that there is value to some of the gender distinctions, and also agree that there are a lot of ways in which people have abused the power afforded to their genders (on both sides!). The solution isn't to erode the distinctions altogether, but to call people out on the ways in which they abuse their powers.
Btw...if you're interested, look up Sheldon VanAuken's book, "Under the Mercy." Chapter 8, I've discovered upon rereading today, captures what I'm saying far better than I have.
Also, if you ever get a chance, "A Severe Mercy" is a wonderful book about how God's love and romantic love meet. It's one of my favorites, and it's one of Beth's favorites, too.
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